Who hates me more, myself or God?

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Who hates me more, myself or God?
« on: December 01, 2020, 03:20:33 PM »
I know God has compassion for me, this not what I mean by God hates me, that he doesn't wish me well.  As for me, the problem is I hate myself as in I hate the traits of gained and my habits and my constant disobedience to God knowingly and being pulled by Satan not heedlessly but knowingly and with insight and certainty it's Satan's call and with certainty it brings me to hell and distance from God.

You read about the person with knowledge who doesn't apply his knowledge,  this is me, and there is no one hated more then who God has taught so much and shown so much signs and has witnessed the Guides and witness hidden authority and kingdom of the universe, but still, sticks to the earth and is petty, and inclines to his passions and runs away from God constantly.     

There are hadiths that the stench of those with knowledge is that all people of hell will complain of it.  There is evil and then there is people like me, who Michael and his Angels and Gabriel and his Angels can do everything and all Chosen households of all times can come to me, and all things can be gathered, and God himself can even talk to me if he wants, and still,  it won't save me,  God could extend every way of help,  every atom of the universe lending me light a long with earth, mountains, and I see the Imam of time guiding all that, and on top of the world watching us, and still,  it won't help me much, I enjoy sins and despite seeing God see me and knowing his sight is the true nature of reality and material world is a lie and can't have reality, I still shamelessly disobey.

And what is new, I am losing compassion for myself,  I am certain 100% if I suicide, it would land me to hell, but funny thing, is because I hate myself so much I almost don't want God to forgive me anymore, it's not that I think I can suicide pain goes away,  it's that I am so sick and tired of myself taking advantage of God's forbearance and mercy that I just want to send myself to hell.  

It's disgusting how God keeps opening new heights of knowledge of Quran and Sunnah I never imagined I would get, and this doesn't increase me in obedience, but more disobedience and instead of leaving sins, I open new gates of levels of sins I never imagined myself getting innto.

I love God and it doesn't matter to me if he lands me to hell, I won't stop loving Him/her/it, but I can't understand why I don't respect God.   From the day God has shown me himself I never stopped seeing him, whether playing a video game, listening to a professor lecture about data structures, or looking a woman naked, I never for a moment stopped seeing him.  He never let his light disappear from my gaze despite my evil ways.

I don't know why I can't respect God enough to show gratitude for his favors.   It's like I love testing God and seeing to the extent of evil I can go to, and if he will change the time of death or punish me early, but all he does is more good.

I hate the fact I taken so much advantage of  God, and get a thrill doing sins, just to see if God will stop increasing me in insights but he doesn't.  He teaches me more, and keeps me giving me insight as if I am a saint.  Why didn't he just kill me and send me to hell already, I don't understand.   If he won't do it, maybe I will, is the kind of thoughts I am going through.
By the name of God, the (universally) Compassionate, The (extremely) Compassionate; for the unity of the Togetherness; Is their unity in the journey in the winter and summer. So let them Worship the Lord of this household. The one who fed them from hunger and gave them security from fear.


Re: Who hates me more, myself or God?
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2020, 10:23:39 AM »
Try applying your "insights" to real life, see if they work.


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