Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
Salam Alaykoum Wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuhu
First of all , i want to say that i do not want to create any polemic nor to insult anyone's belief, i just want to find peace within my soul
So basically as my name indicates i am from the balkans and i was a christian before converting to shiism some years ago . I really attached myself with that religion because growing up i saw sunnism as the religion of the turks who ''oppressed us '' and i found shiism as an alternative to be a Muslim but to not hold the ''religion of the turks'' . So i became a really practicing shi'i and i felt like i finally found the truth . BUT i had some doubts from the beginning about the mahdi's birth and the first time i saw chest beating in muharram i felt like this was a strange ambiance that scared me .Anyhow i kept on reading and reading and i can say without any arrogance that i have read more than the average shia and the average sunni .i have read the whole of Al-Kafi, parts of Biharul Anwar, Kitab Sulaym IbN qays, Kitab Irshad etc. so i went from normal shia who supported unity etc to a full fledged rafidhi( as i was pridefully calling myself) who cursed abu bakr , umar ,uthman and aisha after every prayer according to Imam Sadiq's ''sunna''. I was also borderline akhbari so i accepted everything in al-Kafi without Rijal because i knew that even according scholars if we use rijal in Shia Tradition not even 10 % remains Sahih . So i started to believe in Tahreef , which is found in Al Kafi and various books of Ulama such as Al Majlissi et Mufid. I was so anti-sunni and i felt that they were sheeple and that they were following tyrants. I did want to leave shiism two years ago but i couldn't accept abu bakr and umar as sahaba just as the brother Ebn Hussein says in his video with brother Muhammad Hijab . So ,time went by and i tried to absorb all those beliefs ( tahreef, mahdi in occultation , most sahaba being kuffar , shiism being so persian-centric etc ) but i realized that i had adopted a victim mentality and i became so aggressive and angry with everyone including those around me and i had lost any peace in my heart . I then asked myself why am i following this ? is this really different from christiannity ? as someone from the balkans i can just return to my ancestral religion and leave all these beliefs behind me . But i cannot . There is no Tawhid elsewhere but in Islam . Sadly i have not understood Tawhid properly even if as a Shia i prided myself of having the purest tawhid and i was laughing at sunnis whom i have been taught believed in antromorphism. I must admit that in my Duas i called more on the Mahdi, Ali ,Abbas and Hussein than on God himself and i know not every Shia does that but this is something like Ibn Hussein mentionned that is not condemned by any great mar3ja they even encourage this . I want to get closer to God and i think that Shiism cannot offer me that and let me list here a bit more why:
-God seems unreachable and can only be attained by Tawassul through Ahlul-Bayt
-Even if most shias of Today do not believe in it , Tahrif is a part of Shia beliefs that great shia scholars promoted so if the Quran is changed and the Mahdi is gone in occultation , who is going to guide us ?
-Why is it that Shiism revolves around Iran ? In Hawza they teach you persian instead of arabic and they seem to focus so much on Iran and you see it by the lack of diversity in Shiism
-Since only Imams can apply Sharia with the mahdi in occultation , there is no way of forming an islamic government or doing jihad since only a Masum can do that . (Khomeini is an exception in shiism and most shias disagree with him )
-All Sahabas except three are kuffar but abu bakr and Umar and Uthman did conquer almost half of the world for Islam
-If there is a conflict between two people why should one go to hell ? Joseph Brothers sold him but Joseph forgave them . In shiism when a sahaba do a mistake he goes to hell but marjas differing on issues of aqeeda are ok and we say they both go to jannah MashaAllah .
There is a lot more i can mention but i don't want to make the post too long as the thing i really need is some guidance on the truth about the Sahaba . If Brother Ebn Hussein or another knowledgeable brother would be kind enough to provide me with the links he read on the Sahaba (abu bakr ,umar ,abu hurayrah etc ) before he left shiism so i can know the truth about them . i felt ashamed because i use to curse them after every prayer and hate them so much but now i guess i finally got past my prejudice and i want to know the truth
JazakhAllah Khair
Ps: Sorry for my long post